


Bad Day

by MidnightMarev



Series: Sanders Sides One-Shots [10]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: (I'm pretty sure I'm bipolar but I don't know since I don't have a diagnosis from a doctor, AFAB Morality | Patton Sanders, Angst, Anxiety, Crying, Depression, Depressive Episode, Established Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Hurt Morality | Patton Sanders, Implied Relationships, Insecure Morality | Patton Sanders, M/M, Mentioned Logic | Logan Sanders, Misgendering, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Morality | Patton Sanders Needs a Hug, Morality | Patton Sanders-centric, Patton is 18, Possible Bipolar Disorder, Self-Destruction, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Morality | Patton Sanders, Unknowing Deadnaming, be careful, be careful reading this, because I'm too scared to talk to anyone about it or anything relating to my mental health, deadnaming, my own experinces and thoughts from today, pretty sure this is triggering for many, self-deprecation, so Patton is possibly bipolar hence the tag), sorry about that patton, this is basically just me projecting onto patton and making him go through what i go through, this is dark, unknowing misgendering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:47:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27191933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightMarev/pseuds/MidnightMarev
Summary: Patton hopes for a good day, but they should've known better than to hope for that.Read the tags for triggers.
Series: Sanders Sides One-Shots [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1562938
Comments: 5
Kudos: 28





	Bad Day

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, please read the tags carefully for triggers. This is something I went through today, these are my own thoughts. I basically just put Patton in my place. I'm an AFAB demigirl and lesbian, but I made Patton an AFAB demiboy and pan, that's the only thing that's different in this story (that and Logan is a substitute for my partner, Ace. She has my whole heart and I hate that she lives in America while I live in Denmark). You even get to know my deadname :D
> 
> But please, let me know if I missed any triggers! Stay safe, my dragonets <3

Patton was awake around 8:30 am. It was Sunday so it was okay to sleep in a bit. It felt like today was gonna be a chill day. They were called down to breakfast just before 10. It was a calm atmosphere, their parents and four siblings actually ate in peace instead of bickering.

They finished soon after and cleared the table with each other and Patton had spoken too soon. The bickering started. Harsh tones back. Their older sister said something to them, but they didn’t remember what it was, just that it set their depression off. Not that she knew, or anyone else knew, for that matter.

They hurried to their room and sat in their bed. They tried to hold back the tears; they knew their older sister would come up to get into her own room. She couldn’t know. She was nosy and always tried to force them to talk, even when they couldn’t. And in she came, in her usual annoying way, always had to say something, entering dramatically before going to her own room.

Patton hated it. They hated that she always did that, but they were too afraid to say anything to her. It was too much. She made too much noise all the time. And then she turned on her tv. The volume was too loud, too much for Patton. They couldn’t take it anymore, they needed to get away, they needed to get out and away from everyone.

Patton put on long pants and a hoodie dress. Their pronoun pins were still on it. Huh. They took their comfort blanket and stuffed animal and made their way downstairs, making sure no one saw what they carried. Patton was told to do a simple task by their dad, to go get a torch out in the boiler room. They were told the colour and where it was, but as soon as they got out there it left their mind and they couldn’t find it.

“You really can’t do anything, Patton. You’re useless. You can’t even do a simple task. This should be easy, why can’t you do anything right?!” they broke down in tears, chastising themselves harshly. Luckily, their dad called out if they could find it and told them again where I was and what it looked like. Patton hurried back inside with the torch after they found it, keeping their shoes on.

When Patton’s dad was distracted again, they quickly grabbed their blanket and stuffed animal and quietly went outside. It was cloudy. Patton went behind the garage under the half-roof where they stored hay for the chicken house and bunny house. They let the chickens out in the garden on the way there.

They put the blanket around their shoulders, hoodie up, and went to lay in the hay, cuddled up to he stuffed animal. Rain way softly falling, but it was barely there. And they broke. They started crying, shaking, mumbling to themself.

“Why are you crying? You have nothing to cry about. You’re just faking it. You’re can’t feel anything, you’re just pretending. Why are you like this? No one cares about you. You can’t do anything right. Nobody cares about you. They don’t even know you’re out here.” They shifted slightly, sniffling, brushing away a tear and some snot.

“You’re worthless. Nobody would care if you just disappeared. If you just died. The only thing you’re good for; dying and becoming nutrients for plants and trees and insects. Nobody loves you. They’re just pretending. You’re making them pretend to care about you, to worry about you out of pity for you. If you died, nobody would care. They’d just be _‘oh, that’s so sad. She’s gone. Oh well’_ for the first 24 hours and then forget about you. _‘Who was it again that lived in this room? And sat on this seat in class? Eh, doesn’t matter.’_ They’ll forget you.” They hiccupped and wiped away more snot and tears.

“You’re just pretending. You’re not even a demiboy. Just a girl. You’re not even pan. Just straight. You’re just pretending to fit in with the others online. To fit in with those who don’t. You’re just doing it to feel special. You’re not. You don’t deserve the name Patton, _Sandra_.”

They didn’t know how long they lay there for, in a pit of self-deprecation, the mean voice in their head taking control of their mouth, voicing itself. “You’re not depressed, you don’t have anxiety, you’re just pretending, you just wanna be special. You just read about depression and anxiety for your writing and now you’re pretending, adopting what you’ve read. It’s not real. You’re just lying.”

The rain started falling a bit harder, it was a sort of calming sound to Patton. They sat up, looking at the chickens. One of them stopped to look at them. Patton tried to call her to them.she took a step towards them and turned around and ran away. “See? Even the animals don’t care about you. You’re just weird. A nuisance to everyone.” They looked at their left wrist. It had been 2 months and 8 days since they last scratched. “Just do it,” Patton heard themself say. The rain started falling hard. They looked out at it. “Why do You even care?” they asked the air. “Why did You even create me? I’m just a waste of space, a waste of oxygen, a waste of life.”

A finger came down to their left wrist. The rain started picking up. And they scratched. Fast and hard. The pain felt good. They looked at their work, entranced. “Pretty…” Patton mumbled. The pain felt… something. They continued scratching until they had 5 large scratch marks on their left wrist, softly brushing their thumb over them. Patton them looked at their right wrist. “Why not?” they asked into the empty air and did the same to that wrist, first time ever. They’d always just stuck to the left wrist.

The wind and rain had picked up again. “If You really didn’t want me to do this, You would’ve just given me some super rare sickness when I was a baby so I would’ve died early, sparing me this pain. You should just kill me now. Throw down a lightning strike on me, right now! Kill me! I’m a waste of space anyway. A waste of oxygen, of life. The only thing my body will ever be good for is feeding the ground with my rotting corpse. You should just do it. You know nobody will even care. Nobody knows the real me, I don’t even know the real me. If they wanted to know, they would’ve tried to get close to me, everyone knows I’m an introvert! That I’m bad at keeping up conversations, You know this!”

While they talked, voice devoid of any emotions, it had started basically storming. The one on the other end of the conversation terribly upset seeing their child in such pain and unable to do anything about it.

“No one knows I’m out here,” Patton started mumbling to themself again. “No one would find my body. Nobody cares. Nobody loves me. My friends are only that out of pity for me. I’m sorry, Logan. You shouldn’t have to pretend to love me, you deserve so much better…” they whispered. Patton secretly wished that their partner would come around the wall to stay with them, saying sweet nothings into their ear while he cuddled Patton. But it didn’t happen. It wasn’t possible. He lived on the other side of the planet. “You don’t feel love. You can’t love. You don’t know how to love. You’re just pretending. Logan would be better off without you…”

The rain started to let up slightly, though it still came down hard. Patton was tired. They didn’t have their phone with them, so they didn’t know how long they’d been out there. Couldn’t reset their sober app. They just wanted to go back inside and cry in their room, but they didn’t want their blanket soaked.

“Why don’t You just stop the rain so I can go back inside if You care so much about me?” they asked sarcastically again. Nothing happened. “I mean, I’m gonna stay out here, alone with my thoughts which we both know is a bad idea, if You don’t. Unless by some miraculous miracle someone inside brings 2 umbrellas outside, one for themself and one for me. Which we both know isn’t going to happen because no one knows I’m out here.”

They stayed out there for who knows how long, thinking up many different scenarios in which they talked about everything in their brain, everything wrong with them, while waiting out the rain. They sang softly to themself, listening to the rain, feeling the pain in their wrists, trying to distract themself from their thoughts.

After a long while, Patton heard their younger sister outside, singing loudly as she always did, which annoyed the hell out of them. But this time it told Patton the rain had stopped.

They waited for her to go back inside before standing up and getting all the hay out of their clothes and slowly moving inside. They’d already prepared a lie if anyone asked where they’d been. _“I hid in under the half-roof in the hay when it started to rain.”_ No one would suspect they’d had a breakdown. They’d gotten too good at keeping up a mask in front of their family, gotten too good at lying to them about themself.

No one saw them when they headed inside. It was blissfully quiet. Until they went to their room. Their older sister was still watching tv with the volume on loud. They opened their computer to find youtube, trying to get something to drown her out.

She turned off her tv and moved out of her room, going into Patton’s to get downstairs. Again, doing something dramatic when she entered Patton’s room. “Sup, Sandra,” she said. Patton ignored her and internally cringed. They weren’t out to anyone in their family about being demigendered and changing their name. They’d hidden their wrists from her when she came in, and when she’d left, they looked down at them and caressed them. They weren’t as red as they had been now.

Patton cradled their blanket close to them. They’d only bought it because it was so soft and it reminded them of Logan. Logan was their light in the dark and it had glow-in-the-dark cobweb patterns on it. Patton cuddled it every night, imagining it was Logan. They just wanted him there with them. They just wanted the pain to end. They couldn’t keep the happy facade up forever. Couldn’t keep pretending. But they had to. It was expected of them. Just had to keep on going, one day at a time. Just a year and a half till they could get to hug Logan for the first time. They had to wait for that. They wanted to die, but they didn’t want to die and leave everyone they knew confused about their disappearance online. That’s where everyone they cared about was. They couldn’t do that to them. “Just keep swimming, Patton. Just keep swimming.”

Today had been a bad day. One of the worst for a long time, and they’d had some really bad days just these past 6 months. Patton didn’t know how the rest of the day would go, they just hoped everyone would leave them alone. They didn’t wanna go to school tomorrow, just have a mental day, but they couldn’t. They’d had too many of those already, their absence was too high.

“You just have to survive for another 8 months. Graduate, and then you can take 2 gap years to work and earn money to go see Logan and everyone else in America. You can do this. Keep your head low, focus on school, think about Logan. It’s only fair to him that you do your part, now that he for some reason actually seems to love someone as unlovable as you.”

Patton died their eyes and opened their computer. Writing always helped. They stayed off Twitter, didn’t want to make anyone more worried than they already were. “Keep breathing. Keep surviving. You owe it to Logan. You’re a disappointment, but you still owe him everything.”

**Author's Note:**

> Patton was only outside for almost 2 hours, though it felt like way longer. When you have no way to tell time and you're in a depressive episode or having such bad thoughts, it feels like it's so much longer than it actually is.
> 
> As always, let me know if I missed any triggers. Kudos and comments are appreciated, but no pressure. Love you all <3


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